i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
