I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
