My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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