Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
