forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We have started to decorate penises.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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