dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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