My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Then you guys just all showered together...?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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