I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
