And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
whose parrot is this?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
