I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
