they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
