dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
