Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
