Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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