I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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