I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I had to cum in my sink.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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