do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
