my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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