i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
