Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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