Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you inspire me to be a worse person
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.