This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not