hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
