In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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