he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
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Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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