i just google imaged poop.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
