so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
