I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
PANTIES FOUND
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
