There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
