I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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