god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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