the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
