We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Congratulations! We have a period
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
