Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
