11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
