You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
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Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?