ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
