fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
