Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
