Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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