You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
