omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
