My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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