How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Quick, to the slutcave!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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