Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Randomize
