I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
