I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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