The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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