On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
