If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
