I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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