i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
