well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
