Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
