Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
