My liver just broke up with me...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
