be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
