Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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