Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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