i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
