do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
